I’m starting to hate receiving compliments in my online dating inbox. It’s just such a bullshit way to start up a “conversation”. To me it says you’re too lazy to be bothered to read my profile and think up something to talk about. Do people think it’s a way to get my attention? It’s not–I’m sure I’m no more than moderately popular on any dating site, and I would guess I receive at least a dozen compliments a week. So how is that making you stand out? And besides, it’s basically the same as walking up to a stranger and paying them a compliment.

Him: Nice dress
Her: Uh, thanks.
*awkward standing, silence*

It just doesn’t go anywhere. And following it up with a “How are you?” doesn’t go anywhere either, it just delays the awkwardness.

Him: Nice dress
Her: Uh, thanks.
Him: How are you?
Her: Good, thanks. You?
Him: Good.
*awkward standing, silence*

You might be thinking that at this point it’s up to me to start a conversation, since someone else took the initiative to contact me. Fuck no. You messaged me because you thought there was potential–so you better show me there is potential, because I’m not doing all the work for you. Once you start a conversation, if I’m interested I’ll gladly keep up my end. But coming up with something non-stupid to say is really the least I can expect of someone interested in me, so give at least give it a half-assed try.

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I will wait forever…or up to six minutes

Jay (12:57 p.m.): wow your cute
Jay (1:03 p.m.): I saw you read my message does that mean you’re not interested

Wilson (4:49 p.m.): Wanna talk?
Wilson (5:29 p.m.): Is that a no

Adam (12:19 p.m.): hello
Adam (1:15 p.m.): are you there
Adam (1:32 p.m.) busy?

Mark (1:09 p.m.): lets go out
Mark (1:45 p.m.): ???????

I don’t know what it is specifically that makes some people who message me think I owe them an instant reply. I could be out, I could be at work, I could be on the phone, or as a friend ever-so-succinctly said last week, “I could be taking a shit!” The point is, you don’t know why I didn’t answer right away, and frankly, it’s none of your fucking business.

But I understand that you are dogged in your pursuit–and I get it: men pursue women who appear not be interested. Sometimes we’re actually not interested; sometimes we’re not interested enough, initially, and your pursuit convinces us to look again; and sometimes we’re just playing the “chase me” game. I totally get it: for a guy it’s confusing as to whether we’re playing a game, or just aren’t convinced, or really aren’t interested. But for fuck’s sake: SIX MINUTES? In one of the examples, a guy asked me if I was not interested after not getting a reply after 6 minutes. That makes you a nutcase and will guarantee no response.

So here’s my ever-so-magnanimous advice: send two or three polite, well-written messages asking about her interests. If you get no reply she’s actually not interested. And resist the urge at that point to send a thoughtful, reasonable response like “u stuck-up bitch no wondr ur still singel.”

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You should dump your friend Patron (in your profile, at least)

You should dump your friend Patron (in your profile, at least)

There are a few ways to prove one’s virility and all-around masculinity in modern times. Personally, I think a straight man unashamedly holding a woman’s purse is a sign he is totally comfortable with who he is. Conversely, driving an oversized vehicle with wheels more suited to jungle quicksand suggests one is compensating for a lack in other, um, parts of one’s life.
I can understand the difficulty online daters have conveying all their positive traits through photos. “Look at me, how happy and attractive I am and how varied and appealing my interests are!” Meanwhile all you have on your phone are pictures of you out with friends, mouth open, eyes half-closed, surrounded by equally inebriated friends. For the love of Online Dating Cupid, DO NOT upload these photos to your profile. You might think these photos aren’t that bad, but they are. You behind a table of party detritus is probably not the most flattering picture of you, and it also portrays you the way only your close friends see you–because they’re the only one who should. And trust me, while your friends think you’re hilarious sitting at the back of the booth, smoking and holding up a mostly-empty bottle of tequila and posing for the camera… prospective dates are wondering if this is something you do every day, if you have a job, if you really do think this is the most fun you can have on a given night and why the fuck you uploaded that photo in the first place.

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Even apocalyptic Mayans do it

Even apocalyptic Mayans do it

I swear, an online dating site I’m signed up with just emailed me to ask if I want to die alone! Turns out they just recommend I hook up with someone to avoid being by myself when the world ends on Friday. If that wasn’t bad enough, there’s also a particularly bad double-entendre involving the word “screw”.
I rate this email an Epic Mayan Fail.

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Lies, damn lies, and enhancements

I am most attracted to slim/fit asians and brown girls. Mixed girls are also welcome. You must have a cute face, with a great smile! Being on the busty side is a plus, but not a must 😉

I have enhanced my age on here to reflect the fact that I date younger women.

I wish I could say the above quote was not taken, verbatim, from someone’s profile. Because then I woulnd’t have to live with the knowledge that there is someone out there, in the very same dating pool in which I swim, lying about his age and calling it an “enhancement”. It’s not enough that this swimmer describes the girl who will make his pupils turn into bouncing cartoon hearts purely by her physical features. No, it’s not enough that his ideal woman looks like an Asian Barbie, with a 14-inch waist and “busty” double-D cups. And it’s not even enough that this perect female specimen be smiling like an idiot despite this ridiculous double standard reflected by society at large as well as this average-looking man who clearly wants a supermodel (his ideal woman doesn’t have to be smart, but does have to be hot). No–what sends me over the age is that he calls lying about his age an enhancement. Seriously: an “enhancement.” Because it reflects the fact that he dates younger women. But THAT’s FINE. Because I’m going to ask a slim/fit busty brown friend of mine and ask her if I can create a fake profile with her picture and then message Mr Swimmer. And when this winner swimmer meets me and tells me I lied about how I look, I’m going to say, “I have enhanced my appearance to reflect the fact that you’re a shallow jerk.” And he won’t have learned anything, because he’s a shallow jerk, but I’ll get another excellent blog post out of it.

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These shoes are made for walkin

“the girl must have… the ability to run in heels and a killer smile”

I love when people are realistic in their profiles. “I want someone who makes me smile, every day.” “She should be the one I don’t mind doing dishes for.” And a recent favourite, “Maybe your hair smells nice, maybe you own a pencil skirt, maybe you might want to taste some of my baking…”

But some people are just ridiculous. Not only do you want your future girlfriend/wife/alimony recipient to wear heels, she has to run in them. Because that’s, you know, what heels are made for. Not looking pretty, completing an outfit, and making her butt wiggle in an attractive manner when she walks, but running? Well, in that case, I expect you bake (vegan) cookies in your finest tuxedo, walk your dog in scuba gear, and go skydiving with a parasol. Since we’re expected to do things in the wrong attire anyway, I might as well get some fresh-baked cookies and a slightly-used parasol out of it. And you better be giving me a killer smile while you’re at it.

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ur unbelieavable


I am weeping as I type this, but apparently it needs to be said. I feel like a manager explaing to a new hire that one doesn’t type “lol” in briefing notes. …Because you should fucking know this already! But here it is: “ur” is not a word. Neither is “u”, “r”, “nite”, “gud”, or a dozen other “words” that I shouldn’t have to tell you AREN”T WORDS. If there were words, u wld use them on ur resume. But they’re not, so don’t use them in your profile or in your messages to me, or I won’t reply to ur sry ass.

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I do not think that means what you think it means

You’re cute lol

Nice profile lol

What’s up lol

I have pics on my phone lol

Sending someone a good message, especially an opening message, can be challenging–yes, I know, I’ve initiated conversation too. You read someone’s profile, try to find something you have in common, come up with an interesting comment and ask a question to invite a response. Even then, things can get lost in the transition from my brain to yours. Without body lanuage and tone, unfortunately, communication is a tricky business. I’m just trying to make conversation, but you might actually think I am really passionate about the merits of Chuck Palahniuk’s last book.

And things can get even more confusing when people don’t stop and think a moment before they hit send. You can accidently send a message that’s difficult to respond to, inflammatory, or ambiguous. The add-on lol is a huge ambiguator*. When you say, “You’re cute lol”, does that mean you don’t actually think I’m cute and it’s funny? When you say, “Nice profile lol” does it actually mean “I think you’re hot and want bang to bang you but can’t say that”? Or does ending every mesage with lol mean you can’t take anything seriously and I shouldn’t spend time on you? It might just mean that you having trouble with the parenthesis key and are saying lol instead of a smiley-face, but I probably won’t even bother to find find out. If you want a response, try harder, lol.

*Ambiguator is a word now. Deal with it.

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Lies, damn lies and profile pics

  • Him [via text]: Do you look like your photos?
  • Me [via text]: Yes, the last one is from 3 months ago.
  • Him [in person at coffee the next day]: Sorry, the last two people I met didn’t look like their photos.
  • Me: That’s so annoying!
  • Him: Their pictures were really old. And then one had the nerve to tell me I’m not actually 5’6″!
  • Me [to a friend the next day]: He’s really not 5’6″. Maybe 5’3″. And his photos were at least a couple years old.

Most people lie in their profiles. Sometimes we lie without even realize it. My profile says I do yoga–well, I do, even though yesterday I technically hadn’t done it in months. I did eventually do yoga again, right? …We’re not necessarily intending to lie, we’re just presenting a version of ourselves–a six-month-old version, or a version to which we aspire, or a version that saves us from admitting that maybe whatever we’re posting had no basis in reality. But even that is forgivable. When someone’s profile says they like salsa-dancing, or going camping, or have a passion for antiquing, I take it with a grain of salt–antiquing is best done with your significant other when first co-habitating, so if I find out you haven’t actually gone antiquing in ages, I won’t hold it against you. However, there are some lies that are more annoying.

For example, there are some profiles that clearly have photos spanning at least the last decade. This one guy whose profile keeps popping up indicates that he’s forty, but in one photo he still has the baby face of a man still in his twenties. And the thing is, he’s an attractive guy–but when one of your photos may have been taken in the 90s, it’s a little off-putting. And it makes me suspect that even his most recent photo may be woefully out of date.

But lying about your height is in a whole different category.

One of my photos is very flattering: my hair is done, I’m wearing lipstick, and the angle of my flirty glance at the camera is just right. I rarely look like that in daily life–but give me an hour and the right angle, and I will definitely pull that off again. However, saying you’re 6 feet tall when you barely make 5’10” is just silly. If you’re interested in someone short, having a huge difference in height is pretty comedic and may actually be a deterrent. And if you want to go out with someone tall, they’ll be able to tell–trust me!–and it’ll probably be even more annoying to them that you’re lying.

So  for pete’s sake, have current photos, and just put down your height–your actual height. What bugged me about the 5’3″ guy wasn’t that he was short–seriously, I’m short too–but that he was doing the exact same thing he was paranoid about me doing, only with numbers instead of pictures. If lying about your height is aspirational, it’s pretty pointless!

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Subtlety, thy name is morningwould

Username: morningwould

Username: luvv69

Username: blksugarstick

You know, my first thought when coming up with a username is not, “How can I somehow refer to sex, and still seem classy?” And there’s a good reason for that. It’s NOT POSSIBLE. There’s no way I could tell my kids, “Yes, sweeties, I met your father on a dating site. His name referred to oral sex. I couldn’t resist!” But there is something admirable about someone who so blatantly puts it out there. Well, admirable or desperate. Whichever.

Which reminds me, as soon as I hit “publish post”, I’m going to change all my oklavafish usernames to “easycougar”. I’m sure I will attract earnest, thoughtful men who look deeply into my eyes, even when I stretch. 

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